| Valentine's Date Dinner Etiquette |
I wasn't gonna' post this, but what the heck.
Every now and then you read advice columns and you think to yourself, Do these people even know how the real world works?
I found one such column on the web, and felt it was my duty to re-post their advice here, with the addition of some more realistic advice from me in bold letters. Because we all know how I like to keep it reals*. (*My attempt to appeal to the MTV generation)
The original advice without my juvenile comments can be found here. Of course, the copyrights of the original non-bold text belong to those in the linked column.
Valentine's Date Dinner Etiquette
Ladies:
1. Don't ever order the most expensive thing on the menu. It may seem like the perfect time to see how lobster and steak taste together, but guys don't like to think they're being taken advantage of.
Ignore this rule. Men love to spend a lot on their dates! It would be an insult not to order the highest priced items on the menu. Hell, order two meals, even if you don't plan on eating them. Men like to feel as if they are providing for their woman, so who are you to take that from him?
2. Please have a glass of wine or cocktail at dinner (or two, if you're saucy), but try to avoid the Maui Sunrise with the jumbo straw and glass the size of your head. A mildly tipsy woman is fun; a roaring drunk woman is one car ride away from being dropped off on her front lawn.
Drink up! Men LOVE a drunk woman! How else can you explain the popularity of "Girls Gone Wild?"
3. Please order a dessert, either to share or for yourself. Guys care a lot less about your whole calorie regimen than you think we do, plus we also like more time to talk, which a nice leisurely dessert pleasantly provides.
Guys particularly like when you talk about friends of yours that they don't know, gossip about your co-workers, and especially like to hear the rich details of your dysfunctional family get-togethers.
4. Don't mention ex-boyfriends. Not even if he was the lead singer of Pavement. We just don't want to know.
Unless your ex has a big penis. Men LOVE to hear about every guy you were with that was bigger then them! When describing all the penises bigger than his, use colorful descriptions such as PYTHON-LIKE, GARGANTUAN, and SWEET JESUS!!!!. Also be sure to hold out your hands really far apart when describing it.
5. Feel free to ask to sample your date's dinner, just let him parcel out the portion. No guy likes to watch his steak disappear before his very eyes while he can do nothing about it.
Better yet, now would be a good time to tell him you are a card carrying member of PETA and tell him that MEAT IS MURDER as you burst into tears.
6. Don't go overboard on your make-up, even if you have a blemish. A small, hardly noticeable spot on your chin is infinitely preferable to the kabuki mask you slather on in your efforts to hide that you are in fact a human being.
Or, show up in a wedding dress. Just explain to him that no other whore-bitch will ever, ever, ever, ever love him like you do. (make sure you are holding your knife really tight and banging it up and down on the table with each 'ever')
7. A great date involves balance in the conversation: don't talk too much or too little about yourself. Going overboard in either direction can paint you as too self-involved or too self-protective.
Just in case things get dull, bring some of your childhood stuffed animals and toys. There are few conversation starters like a parade of My Little Ponies at the dinner table in a nice restaurant.
8. If he dressed nice (and here's hoping he did), let him know. Guys like a little ego boost now and again too.
Better yet, tell him how he should dress. Guys LOVE to be treated like children and told what they can and can't wear. Make sure you tell him he needs to cut his hair, too.
9. Don't be afraid to laugh like an idiot. Decorum is for lunch with clients, not dinner with the boy you like.
If he doesn't say anything funny, just hold up one of your My Little Ponies to your ear, and pretend she told you a joke.
10. Even if you asked him out, give him a chance to pick up the tab (even if you end up treating or splitting). I know we live in a world of equality and all, but some things make a guy feel good and picking up dinner is often one of them.
While he is feeling generous, pull some of your old credit card and student loan bills out of your purse and see if he will take care of those, too. After all, it will make him feel good.
Men:
1. If you're choosing the restaurant, run it past three platonic girlfriends.
And during your date, make sure you frequently mention each of the girls' names you dined with. "Hey, this is the table that Sarah and I ate at." Women need to know that YOU are the man who is in demand!
2. Pick a date up for dinner, even if she lives next door; and if you're having drinks after work, swing by the office. Meeting at the restaurant simply reads as half-hearted. Women appreciate men who put their needs first, if just for the night.
No, screw that. If you put their needs first now, you are setting a precedent where you will ALWAYS be putting their needs first! Eventually, you'll find yourself sitting down to pee because GOD FORBID YOU LEAVE THE SEAT UP!
3. For the love of button downs, don't you dare tuck in your shirt! Unless you're dining at the country club or a jacket-required establishment, you'll risk looking like your father en route to the 18th hole (and there's nothing hot about that).
This rule particularly applies to officially licensed sports jersey or wrestling tee shirts. Those should only be tucked in at funerals and weddings.
4. Pay your date a very specific compliment that shows you're paying attention. Nice eyes? She's heard it. Cute dimples? Much better.
Nothing says I've been paying attention like noticing any weight fluctuations. If she's gained a few pounds, it's your obligation to tell her as early in the date as possible.
5. When looking over the menu, ask if she's a sharer. If she loves variety, suggest small dishes to split-or swap plates halfway through the meal if you feel at ease.
Then ask her if she's REALLY into sharing, and mention one of her pretty girlfriends, sexy sister, or, if you are REALLY into variety, maybe her mother.
6. Save the "Notice me!" soliloquy for Mom and Dad-that is, until your date asks about you. Because she will, if you let her steer the chit-chat. One man's self-involved boast is another's self-aware banter. It just depends who's inquiring.
Better yet, say nothing. If she insists you speak, answer only in snarls and maybe a bark or two. Women love monosyllabic guys!
7. Slide one sensitive topic about yourself into conversation and ask your date's opinion about it. This moment will be more memorable than the pricey dim sum or your canned jokes, since it's laced with trust, sincerity and vulnerability.
Sample: "Sometimes, I don't cover the naked, bloody bodies before I leave them in the woods. Does that make me insensitive?"
8. Keep PDA on the DL. A hand on the leg is too forward for a first date, but snuggling close in the corner banquet, with a kiss on the forehead, is just right.
However, whatever happens under the table at dinner stays under the table!
9. Suggest a decadent dessert, even if she hesitates or says she's full. Every woman wants to secretly sample the chocolate mousse torte, though society prefers she order sherbet. Lift the burden, and try not to stare when she eats more than half.
When she's done, applaud her loudly, while shaking your head in disbelief, and say, "Well, now we know how you gained the weight!"
10. Pay the bill, already. She'll do the faux wallet-reach, but that doesn't mean she actually wants to reach inside. If this one's a keeper, she'll pick-up the nightcap.
Better yet, pull out a calculator and determine to the penny what she owes. No woman wants to be with a man who can't keep track of his finances! Women need to know that you are a man who watches his wallet! If she ate 75 percent of the mousse torte, she friggin pays 75 percent!! No free rides, here! |
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Name: Blogger Dad
Home: Florida, United States
About Me: I was a reporter at a Florida newspaper, where I covered city politics and draw editorial comics. Now, I'm a Blogger Dad (click the link for my webpage - the blog on the bottom is for Todd and Penguin) in search of a job and attempting to write a book or four.
I'm also a cartoonist, how most of you know me, who draws Todd and Penguin, Taking Up Space and the occasional other titles, featured on KeenSpot.com.
I'm married (sorry, all you ladies interested in overweight guys who spend too much time drawing) and have a one year old son and two cats. Three of the above mentioned poop way too much!
See my profile...
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you make me laugh =]