I Draw Comics

Friday, January 12, 2007

I was standing in the checkout line the other day waiting as a woman ahead was holding up the line using every coupon ever printed in every paper since the dawn of man, when I began looking for things to look at.

I am convinced that the checkout lane is geared towards the dumbest and the dullest members of our society - you know, the people who watch "Armed and Dangerous." (and no, I haven't seen it, but...come on. It can't be good. Celebrities as cops?!)

First, you have your magazines.

Why on Earth doesn't this store or any that I know of near me, put magazines that someone with half a brain might want to look through at the checkout line? Might I suggest "Discovery" or "Time" or "Newsweek" or hell, even "Highlights for Children?" All you get is a glut of identical celebritycentic magazines, which at turns either stalk, condemn or praise the same celebrities -- sometimes within the same issue.

The most recent edition of one of these magazines boasted several unflattering close-ups of female celebrities' thighs, pointing out their ... hold on, put the kids to bed before you read any further, and take whatever heart medication may be necessary... get ready, CELLULITE!

Apparently the worst sin you can commit as a celebrity these days is to walk on a beach in a bathing suit which exposes some extra dimples. I mean, forget the fact that Britney Spears is letting her child bartend already, THESE WOMEN HAVE CELLULITE! The magazine takes them to task by pointing out their flaws with CLOSE UP photos that I'm pretty sure had to be taken by the Hubble telescope. The worst part of this magazine article is that the same magazine will turn around in six months and ridicule the women for BEING ANOREXIC when they go on a crash diet in attempt to get rid of the cellulite.

I'm not sure who the perfect woman is to these magazine editors, since they seem to tear everyone to shreds. Is it petty jealousy, insecurity or just the whoreish nature of that kind of media which causes them to be so... well,... evil?

Then there are the "well intentioned" magazines which promise to help you LOSE WEIGHT, GET ORGANIZED NOW, PLEASE YOUR MAN (easy, give them the TV remote), PLEASE YOUR WOMAN (I would highly suspect any answer which didn't somehow involve chocolate to be false) SAVE TONS OF MONEY, GET THAT JOB YOU WANT, or any of the other things they promise. I have no doubt that they might work, but let's face it, not one person has EVER changed their life after reading an article in one of these magazines. Trust me.

You will never see a letter which begins, "Dear Oprah, when I picked up your magazine last month, I was roughly the size of a killer whale. Now, thanks to your very insightful article on Sabotaging Your Diet, I realize that eating four quarter pounders for lunch every day was probably not a good idea. And thank you too, for reminding me that Ice Cream does not equal Self Esteem.

The magazines aren't the worst offenders of intelligence the checkout line has to offer, though.

That honor belongs to the little tiny books with titles such as "Is Your Pet Psychic?" And no, I am not making that up. I generally suspect anyone who believes in psychics to be suffering from some sort of head tramua, but I am willing to believe that there are "some things we don't yet understand" out there. However, I refuse to believe there are psychic pets. For one thing, it would indicate that SOMEHOW YOUR PET IS CONVERSING WITH YOU!!

Talking penguins and cats aside, pets cannot talk. If I need to tell you that, then you are at the wrong blog. Even if they could somehow converse, I suspect they would spend much of their time saying dumb things like, "Look! A squirrel!" or "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please give me some of that yummy pizza!"

And let's face it, if pets had any ability to predict the future, do you really think they would pick a crazy person as an owner!

I think from now on, when I go shopping, I'll bring a book with me.

Labels: celebrities, checkout line, psychic pet, stupid